read a very powerful article that talks about how girls deal with not being loved by their mother in my case it was both parents but the descriptions of the ways we self soothe perfectly describe me. I am comforted somewhat knowing that picking at my skin and a bad relationship with food are expected reactions in a house with no love.
I am excited knowing that working through these traumas will allow me to heal the parts of me that relied on self harm and food to release a new me. Its difficult to imagine not scratching my skin when I am anxious, angry, hurt, self loathing. It is hard to imagine not filling sadness , loneliness and desperation with comfort foods.
I have tried to lose weight over my life no matter how successful I have been the weight comes back I see it as a shield that protect me from pain, this doesn’t do a very good job for me but not easy to let go of. That means I respect myself enough to release the weight and there has been a fear that has stopped any weight loss efforts. I know this work changes that for me.
Skin Picking is my version of self harm. i have used lotions and potions, I have used bandaids, makeup, and clothes to cover the scars and cover the open spots on my body. This guarantees i feel ashamed and feeds my anxiety. The problem is that I can get lost in picking my skin not caring about the next day or moment of the results. I hate when they bleed heavily but its also a release of tension from under my skin.
Both of these habits gave me a small sense of control in a crazy environment.
Compulsive behaviors – I have done all of them at some point. At 17 I was drinking heavily and very promiscuous . When I was making a lot of money I would shop compulsively
Somewhere in the last 10 years I stopped drinking and I have not had any money to shop compulsively. But i still make some financial decisions that are not wise. I have not been sexual with anyone in almost 2 years. So I have to now learn how to do all these things in a healthy way.
Hurtful relationships – My ex husband rescued me , he did hurt me in many ways but i hurt him too. There have been boyfriends who have been mistakes since then but if anything I have shut myself down from allowing anyone in to be able to hurt me.
These are things that don’t feel safe to me and I have to do the work to allow people truly in to my soul. My 48th birthday is in May , I know that my 48th year will include huge growth for me and I can’t wait to see the life I can have without these traumas impacting my choices.