A Quiet and Reflective Time

I have been feeling like I am in a rut for a couple weeks. I can pinpoint certain things that have brought me to this point and its time to share where I am.

A couple weeks ago I watched a documentary with Athletes admitting they suffer from depression. I idenitified with their struggles and became aware that not only have I gone through depressive time periods in my life but that its been there tugging at my soul my entire life.

Depression doesn’t always scream loudly. Right now I would say I am dealing with a depressive period where I do not engage in conversation, I do not get as passionate about the causes I follow. I just curl up into myself for a while and feel numb. I still get to work. I still feed my family and take my dog for walks. I find I am going to bed later, and I wake up and just do the minimum requirements to get out of the house.

There are still lots of wonderful things happening around me and I still smile. My son Alex is staying with me this week, I miss him so much and having him part of the family again is making me sentimental for the old days of having him in my daily life.  When I chat with him I can see so much of myself in who he is. He is reflective, he is a thinker like I am. It can make him stuck like me. I know he also has depression and he has reached out for help with counselling and has not hidden it. This is also something I have always been aware of in myself. I am in touch with my emotions and so is he. 

My daughter Megan is doing well in her homeschooling and the smiles I saw at the Simple Plan concert warm my heart every time I think of them.

My puppy Toby is a regular source of giggles and awww moments.

The things that are pulling me down are some of the normal things:

Financial pressure is a constant issue in my life. Every step forward usually brings 2 or 3 backwards when life jumps up and smacks me with Car, Puppy, house, or Family expenses. Sometimes it brings me down.

Lonely- Of course I get lonely at times , I do not have a best friend in London yet . I do not have a boyfriend. I have a busy life and most of the time I can accept that these things will happen in time.  Sometimes it brings me down.

Health- For Megan the worries are constant, how to help her physically, how to help her emotionally. Her serious lonliness issues as well.  For me , I have ignored my health and have worried about Megan constantly. I know that when we get a family doctor March 16, the window into my own health issues will be opened and I am a bit scared.

Direction- I was fully focussed on Fatty Liver Disease awareness when I started to learn about the Metabolic Syndrome and the connection to Fatty Liver Disease. Now I am pretty certain that Megan has Metabolic Syndrome and its completely logical that her symptoms are pointing to other organ issues that are not yet diagnosed. So my interest in Metabolic Syndrome is clear. I know that most of my fatty liver group is dealing with other symptoms and diseases as well.  Do I move my focus to the larger issue which is impacting multiple organs negatively? Do I start a charity that focuses on looking at the body as a whole structure and not just 1 organ at a time with different specialists. Thryoid, PCOS, Diabetes, NAFLD, Heart issues. Its overwhelming and I am still just a single working mother with no money to invest in creating a movement. All I have is my voice and my ability to research and communicate information.  This feeling of being Stuck is pulling me down as I try to determine my next step.

Watching Tony Robbins and Oprah Winfrey talk on Oprah’s next chapter last week really spoke to me. I heard them talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and turning that into Post Traumatic Growth. This is how I have lived my life and I always grow from pain and I know I will grow from this current reflective time.

I heard Tony Robbins talk about how Fear holds us back and how the old messages replay in our minds that pull us down and tell us that we are failures.  I know that these messages run in my mind, I am a fraud why would anyone ever listen to me, I am a failure, a loser in my mother and fathers eyes so that must be true!  I see my less than stellar housekeeping skills and financial management skills as a perfect way to tell myself I am a failure on behalf of my parents.

I know they are wrong. I can see a ton of successes I have accomplished in my life. Sometimes those negative messages win with my heart and soul fighting below them quietly figuring out how I will prove them wrong.  I always end up proving them wrong by coming back stronger and making more of a difference. But I have to say I hate this feeling of being in a rut, of being stuck. Its a necessary evil in my life and I will get through this like I always do.

Do you deal with depressive reflective periods like this? How do you get out of the rut?



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