I go into dark moments , the only way you would know I was in one is that I get quiet. I take all my thoughts and I mull them over and over inside myself. I have been in this rut for almost a week. Food becomes my comfort and yes my skin takes the brunt of my reactions, scratch scratch, feed feed….think think…yup thats me right now!
A year ago I reacted to a friends decision to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship by reaching out to other friends that love her , desperately trying to get them to help me, make her see what a mistake that was. I was in a panic and I was actually internalizing her situation and trying to save myself in similar situations in my childhood. It was an over reaction and I lost my best friend as a result.
A year later , that bad relationship is over for her and I am relieved. She is still within my circle of friends and I find myself avoiding any event or party she attends. I do not want to spoil the birthday party, the welcome home party, the christmas , or new years parties that we are both invited too. I step back and slink into shame in my corner. I know I was right about that man in her life. I sensed him from day 1 after living with a mentally ill mother I am adept at picking up on the discreet triggers and manipulations that controlling people will try to do. I hate that I can see it so easily and it does make me very sad that I can read people like that so quickly.
Now a year later I wonder about trying to talk to her about why I panicked , why this seemed like a life or death situation that I needed to save her from. My own mother who was mentally ill did try to kill me so I had been in that corner, feeling the overwhelming desire to make them happy, to believe that they will change if only we love them enough. It never works unless someone is willing to accept they have a problem and truly takes accountability for their actions.
Can she ever forgive me for this , I do not really know, and i do not really expect her too.Things do have to change so that we can co- exist without drama at events that we are both invited too.
It makes me sad and its been on my mind for the last week as I did not attend an event for a friend who was visiting from out west. I hate that this drama caused me not to be able to give a good friend a hug that she really needs right now for many reasons.
I am very saddened by this and I am hopeful that I can be brave and try to resolve this…maybe 2011 can bring peace between us.