Becoming aware of when I scratch, and when I look to food to comfort me points me directly to Anxiety. A dermatologist told me my scratching was anxiety driven 5 years ago and I rejected that idea as I was on an anti depressant so NO way I wanted another drug in my system.
I now do notice that whenever I am not able to be useful or I am bored , a sense of anxiety starts to overtake me. Its initially a feeling in my stomach, that moves to my brain,then I can feel my brain searching desperately for the thing I was supposed to be doing. When my brain is busy searching my hands start caressing my arms….hmmm is that a bump I feel , what is THAT doing there, scratch it off…now I can relax as I have accomplished something. Or my hands find the change that says go get a chocolate bar , or go to the drive thru! Either way these are not good ways to deal with Anxiety!
Why do I get anxious , well again it goes back to be a little girl in a house full of madness. Never knowing when I would be woken from a peaceful sleep to deal with screaming and fighting. Walking home and never knowing if I would be facing an interrogation or a kind word. Working hard to hide the anxiety so that I wouldn’t get picked on or attacked for that flaw in me.
Anxiety about money , about health, about whether I am a good mother, anxiety about whether I am good enough in general. Anxiety can control me and to snap out of it I have found eating and scratching a good exit.
It creeps up on me in the car , if I am sitting in traffic and can’t go anywhere fast enough, it creeps up on me at work when things are too quiet. It creeps up on me when I think about my bills, and when I don’t get an email from someone I care about.
An insidious snake slinking its way through my mind and my body…making me think about the What If”s and a feeling of dread.
When I look at my life logically, there is little reason to be anxious. I love my job it is the right one for me, my kids are doing well, I can pay my bills and I am living within my means, I have amazing friends and a stepdad who is my rock.
I know that I am not going to walk into a screaming fight anymore , even if I did I know I can diffuse it and walk away! I know that even without money life can be good and things do work out. I know my friends love me and that I will never really be alone.
Identifying the beast and being aware of it is another step in my evolution. This is the root of the junk food addiction and the scratching and if I can tame it I will have conquered my past!
So now, I am trying to take 5 deep breathes when I feel it brewing in my stomach…and then think of something funny. This is as suggested by my life coach Brandon and its step 1 in my attempts to put anxiety in its place!
I feel it , I know I am so close to letting go of all of this! Can you feel it too?