Seems that I am getting really good at bobbing and weaving through the days of my life. Last week was moving along so well and felt renewed sense of confidence that things would work out the way that they are meant too. Last Thursday escorted one of my best friends to a dental appointment to help her walk through those doors and face her biggest phobia of dentists. I felt good about myself and enjoyed knowing I made a difference for her. Watched the unbelievable Grey’s Anatomy season finale and thought I would have a heart attack throughout the entire 2 hours. Towards the end of the show I got 2 emails , one from my son admitting that he is struggling with some depression worrying about his sister , my heart sunk…I wanted to help him reassure him, then out of nowhre came the 2nd swipe…my cousin emailed me to tell me that my uncle had died. This uncle was a strong , determined, inspirational man with a very strong sense of right and wrong and always willing to fight for that. I went to bed feeling very sad.
In the morning that heavy sadness was still with me, I didn’t know how or why my uncle died and the grieving began. I took a friends advice and went for a walk to reflect on my uncle and get some fresh air. I took pictures in a park of things that reminded me of my uncle’s spirit and that made me feel much better about things.
In the afternoon I got the news that he chose to end his own life , this was the punch that landed me on the mat. All the questions, all the unanswered , unknown elements of that make grief far more difficult to manage. You wonder if you could have made a difference, you are angry and sad for them that they felt this was their only way out..a selfish decision , or was it his way of protecting us from watching him fight a life ending dose of cancer…we will never know….
I have chosen to believe that he found out he had cancer, and after watching his siblings die of the disease and did not want to put us through that.
The sadness is on my shoulders like a blanket, It is their quietly and then it feels like its suffocating me. I look at the album of pictures I took and they comfort me..
Life goes on, I met with a friend to discuss a Canadian Liver Fundraiser on Fathers day at Boston Pizza. An amazing dedicated lady who is fighting for her dad that has liver disease and she is fighting to save his life and seeing her passion for this makes it clear I need to line up with her and be part of this fundraiser on behalf of my daughter and her father. I met with my stepdad who is my angel in life and my rock…That was another HUGE positive this week .
I know I am very good and experienced and getting up and shaking off the punches that life delivers….I would just appreciate a break in the action…