music is my therapy and escape

Some days I am so fully in tune with music. Every lyric hits a chord whether its to make me want to dance, cry, sing, kiss, cuddle, hug, run, drive, they get me. Some artists are better than that than others. They know how to evoke our emotions with words. Some call it manipulative , I call it a blessing. To those musicians I thank you for making me feel things that maybe I won’t have the opportunity to feel in my real life.

Thank you for keeping my hopes for love alive, despite the constant rejections of relationships, i still believe.

thank you for helping me consider revenge on people that have hurt me even though its not in my nature to scrape my key along the side of your souped up 4 wheel drive!

thank you for making me dance in my chair at the office. I am sure one day someone will notice and shake their head and that makes it better!

Thank you for giving me courage to get up and sing Karoake and share my love of your music

Thank you  for infecting my body and forcing the fire in me to release on the dance floor.

Thank you for making me feel pretty, strong, beautiful when I can’t find it in myself

Thank you for expressing dreams I have for my children…butterfly kisses, and I think I can fly.

Thank you for making me comfortably numb while my mother tried killing herself in front of me

Thank you for Never letting me Surrender when I had to run after an attempt on my life as a teen

Thank you for always being there with the right words to help me find my way!

Build up to the storm

Yesterday I shared the worst 2 week period of my life, I have been asked if we ever tried counselling or if I suggested it prior to this breakdown.

We got married in 1990… we had lots of ups and downs like all marriages do. I did a lot of personal therapy throughout the marriage but my mother truly took up most of that energy. The traumas from my childhood were so much more severe than the insults and problems in my marriage.

Over the years my ex constantly criticized the therapy process. Said it was a total waste of money. Always harassed me about why I couldn’t just get over things, why I couldn’t just cut my mother out of my life.

For a lot of years I thought my mother was the real problem in our marriage, that if I could just get over the problems she created I would be a better wife to him. When I noticed marriage problems I would blame myself, i was too fat to make him happy, I was too lazy , I was not giving him enough in the bedroom. It did not occur to me that he was part of the problem.

So once my mother was out of my life in 2000 I expected things to improve. But reality is that he had already exited into an affair and was closed off from me due to that. I was unaware of his affair at a concious level but I knew things were in deep trouble and he would not go to counselling.

See my post the dangerous road to an affair to see how I chose to cope with this breakdown.It was a mistake I should have demanded therapy for our marriage at this point. I allowed his criticism of the therapy programs to make me look inwards for a solution.

At the end of the day. I did not even LIKE my husband anymore and only wanted to keep things together for the kids by the year 2000.

2 years later …everything crumbled in the perfect storm….