Teenage minds- Not ALL the same!

My name’s Megan I am 16 years old and I live in London, Ontario. Seeing into the minds of people my age can be difficult for anyone who isn’t my age. My generation faces new problems, new social norms, and new expectations. The way teenagers thought 30 years ago isn’t how we think today and the way we think now won’t be how teenagers 30 years from now will think. And within that every teenager will have different priorities and different hopes and dreams so clearly you can never have a full understanding of every teenagers mind. I have been sick for the last 5 years of my life and have been removed greatly from people my age so I can’t tell you much about the way they think but I can tell you about the way I think.

The thing about being sick for so long is I had a lot of time to think.  Most people envy being able to stay home all day and relax but being that isolated can become boring and tedious; you can only check facebook so many times. For the first few years of my illness I found small things to entertain me, video games, books, television shows, but as I grew older I spent more of that time thinking. I thought about my future and if I would get the chance to have one, I thought about my family and if I would always be a burden on them and I thought about the world and would I ever be able to do anything for it. I started spending more of my time reading about what was going on in the world and I started seeing things that I couldn’t believe were happening. For example a couple months ago in Iran 70 university programs were closed off to women because they were surpassing the men within them. And in many places around the world, such as Uganda, it is legal to kill a person for being a homosexual. Reading all this I wanted to fix it but never thought I would have the opportunity to.  At that point in my life I didn’t let myself dream or hope for anything but sickness, after five years of nearly constant illness how could I? So I ignored these problems and went back to my tv or video games.

Something changed for me a few months ago, I got tired of letting my illness stop me, I got tired of not trying to do anything because no one thought I could succeed, and I got tired of accepting that I would live the rest of my life being ill. I don’t know what changed for me but I did. I started researching universities and looking at careers in human rights and I started working towards a future for myself. I started volunteering in the community and doing things to see if I could handle going back to school. And now after five years I’m fighting my illness so I can do something with my life. I have decided I want to become a human rights lawyer and be the person that helps solve the types of issues mentioned above. So this year I’m working my butt of to do well in school and to get more involved so I can get into a good university and eventually a good law school. It is hard, I get tired and I get sick but I keep working because I have to, because I’m tired of letting illness rule my life.

So that is how I think, it may not be how every teenager sees the world but those are the challenges I am currently facing and I hope this gives some insight on a teenagers brain even if it is just mine. One thing I want to add is a quote from novelist John Green.

“When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

Mothers Day and sadness it creates for me

I love being a mother, I always knew even as a child it was my destiny. I love knowing my children love and respect me and want to give me everything they can in gifts. I love knowing my friends see me as a good mother. Sadly its not something I ever feel sure of.

Thats due to growing up with a mother that called me names, manipulated my friends, alienated all family, tried to kill me and attempted suicide in front of me.

I had no role model in mothering

 I was never taught how to be empathetic, but I always tried to understand my mother.

I was never taught to be kind to others, but I always tried to make my mother happy

I was taught to swear, but hearing so much of it growing up makes me keenly aware of how much it hurts

I was never taught how to be protective of a child. but I always tried to protect my sister from the abuse around us.

I was never taught to appreciate gifts when my gifts were rejected as thoughtless and wrong, I always try to create moments and make gifts special so that you will not reject them.

In the end I was taught what NOT to do by my mother. So I find it a challenge to mother sometimes. Its not easy for me to start conversations with my teenage judgemental children as I was always attacked for my thoughts or ideas and was told I was stupid or an idiot. It is in their nature to reject my ideas and thoughts as silly or old fashioned since I am old and they are at the stage where they know everything.

I know Megan wishes I would generate more conversations with her so that will be my focus in improving my mothering skills this year. I have to get past that fear of rejection and remember that my children are teens and it is expected and not a true personal attack on me like it was with my mother.

I wish I had a mother sometimes, and mothers day always brings tears to my eyes. I have my aunt, I have my grandmother, I have my stepfather so I know I am  surrounded by love. But I do not have a picture of a mother to post on facebook with my friends, I cannot share sweet stories, or words of advice she provided. I can’t turn to her when I feel that I am not being a good enough mother for reassurance, I can’t turn to her for advice. Mental illness owns my mother and I do not have access to any part of her anymore.

So if you have a mother that guides you, that provided support and love to you, If you have a protective mother, If you have a mother you can turn to, or a mother who has passed away and has left wonderful memories I want you to appreciate that with all you have!

Happy Mothers Day all!