I love being a mother, I always knew even as a child it was my destiny. I love knowing my children love and respect me and want to give me everything they can in gifts. I love knowing my friends see me as a good mother. Sadly its not something I ever feel sure of.
Thats due to growing up with a mother that called me names, manipulated my friends, alienated all family, tried to kill me and attempted suicide in front of me.
I had no role model in mothering
I was never taught how to be empathetic, but I always tried to understand my mother.
I was never taught to be kind to others, but I always tried to make my mother happy
I was taught to swear, but hearing so much of it growing up makes me keenly aware of how much it hurts
I was never taught how to be protective of a child. but I always tried to protect my sister from the abuse around us.
I was never taught to appreciate gifts when my gifts were rejected as thoughtless and wrong, I always try to create moments and make gifts special so that you will not reject them.
In the end I was taught what NOT to do by my mother. So I find it a challenge to mother sometimes. Its not easy for me to start conversations with my teenage judgemental children as I was always attacked for my thoughts or ideas and was told I was stupid or an idiot. It is in their nature to reject my ideas and thoughts as silly or old fashioned since I am old and they are at the stage where they know everything.
I know Megan wishes I would generate more conversations with her so that will be my focus in improving my mothering skills this year. I have to get past that fear of rejection and remember that my children are teens and it is expected and not a true personal attack on me like it was with my mother.
I wish I had a mother sometimes, and mothers day always brings tears to my eyes. I have my aunt, I have my grandmother, I have my stepfather so I know I am surrounded by love. But I do not have a picture of a mother to post on facebook with my friends, I cannot share sweet stories, or words of advice she provided. I can’t turn to her when I feel that I am not being a good enough mother for reassurance, I can’t turn to her for advice. Mental illness owns my mother and I do not have access to any part of her anymore.
So if you have a mother that guides you, that provided support and love to you, If you have a protective mother, If you have a mother you can turn to, or a mother who has passed away and has left wonderful memories I want you to appreciate that with all you have!
Happy Mothers Day all!