Mothers Day Letter 2012 from my Megan!

Dear mom,

I hope you have an amazing day even though I couldn’t get you everything you deserve. You have done so much for me this year and I can’t say how much I appreciate everything. From continuing to work hard for my health, to encouraging me to explore my interests. I am so proud of all the work you have done this year. I couldn’t be prouder to call you my mom. You have helped so many people and are just getting started. You have not only helped thousands of people with their health you have also helped Alex and I become who we are today. All we can do is hope that you are proud of what we are becoming. You support us both with our dreams no matter how big from university in another province or where ever they may take us! Neither of us could ever ask for more from you. I love you , thank you for being you and doing all you have for us. I hope I can make you proud!

 

Megan

 

 

Mothers Day and sadness it creates for me

I love being a mother, I always knew even as a child it was my destiny. I love knowing my children love and respect me and want to give me everything they can in gifts. I love knowing my friends see me as a good mother. Sadly its not something I ever feel sure of.

Thats due to growing up with a mother that called me names, manipulated my friends, alienated all family, tried to kill me and attempted suicide in front of me.

I had no role model in mothering

 I was never taught how to be empathetic, but I always tried to understand my mother.

I was never taught to be kind to others, but I always tried to make my mother happy

I was taught to swear, but hearing so much of it growing up makes me keenly aware of how much it hurts

I was never taught how to be protective of a child. but I always tried to protect my sister from the abuse around us.

I was never taught to appreciate gifts when my gifts were rejected as thoughtless and wrong, I always try to create moments and make gifts special so that you will not reject them.

In the end I was taught what NOT to do by my mother. So I find it a challenge to mother sometimes. Its not easy for me to start conversations with my teenage judgemental children as I was always attacked for my thoughts or ideas and was told I was stupid or an idiot. It is in their nature to reject my ideas and thoughts as silly or old fashioned since I am old and they are at the stage where they know everything.

I know Megan wishes I would generate more conversations with her so that will be my focus in improving my mothering skills this year. I have to get past that fear of rejection and remember that my children are teens and it is expected and not a true personal attack on me like it was with my mother.

I wish I had a mother sometimes, and mothers day always brings tears to my eyes. I have my aunt, I have my grandmother, I have my stepfather so I know I am  surrounded by love. But I do not have a picture of a mother to post on facebook with my friends, I cannot share sweet stories, or words of advice she provided. I can’t turn to her when I feel that I am not being a good enough mother for reassurance, I can’t turn to her for advice. Mental illness owns my mother and I do not have access to any part of her anymore.

So if you have a mother that guides you, that provided support and love to you, If you have a protective mother, If you have a mother you can turn to, or a mother who has passed away and has left wonderful memories I want you to appreciate that with all you have!

Happy Mothers Day all!