Mothers Day Letter 2012 from my Megan!

Dear mom,

I hope you have an amazing day even though I couldn’t get you everything you deserve. You have done so much for me this year and I can’t say how much I appreciate everything. From continuing to work hard for my health, to encouraging me to explore my interests. I am so proud of all the work you have done this year. I couldn’t be prouder to call you my mom. You have helped so many people and are just getting started. You have not only helped thousands of people with their health you have also helped Alex and I become who we are today. All we can do is hope that you are proud of what we are becoming. You support us both with our dreams no matter how big from university in another province or where ever they may take us! Neither of us could ever ask for more from you. I love you , thank you for being you and doing all you have for us. I hope I can make you proud!

 

Megan

 

 

Rare Good memories with my Mother!

My mother has severe mental illness and did throughout my childhood this created a generally negative childhood filled with manipulation , violence, anger, abuse. However, I was asked by a blogging fan if I had any positive memories of her. Thank you for this idea it is cathartic for me to consider the positive memories as they are sadly easily forgotten in the drama that was my life.

My mother loved water fights. She would fill spray bottles and chase my sister and I around until we were all soaking wet and laughing. I remember at least a few of these moments and they were happy ones.

My mother went through a very positive period after she spent 6 weeks in hospital and was away from my abusive father. We would go to Mariposa music festival, we met some of her dates who would take us to movies and to china town, we went to Ontario place and the Zoo too.  She loved taking us out at this point I would have been around 10 years old.

She thought i was beautiful so she took me to CBC to interview to be on a TV show. I didn’t get it but i felt special.

My mother went back to school at Seneca College when I was 14 , she was incredibly happy during this period I thought she must have been having an affair with a student there, but whatever caused it she was happy. She would take me to concerts, movies, to meet musicians because she was working on the newspaper and would have to cover events.

When I turned 16 she arranged a sweet 16 party for me at a community centre, I must have had 50 friends there and a DJ, it was a very special night and I will always be thankful for that party.

After I gave birth to Alex I was really scared when she said she wanted to come spend a week with me. She was very supportive and was even there on a day that Alex refused to breastfeed and she walked alex around as I tried desperately to put milk in bottles.

As Alex grew and Megan was born she seemed to truly be happy, when she was around them you would find her on the floor playing games with them, she would take them to plays, to meet television characters, she would do crafts with them, to see my mother during this time you would not have known there was a mental illness lurking under her skin waiting to come out again.

My children have very positive memories of my mother, sadly she came out of their lives about 11 years ago and mental illness has kept her away from my sisters children and the family overall since that point.

I would never steal those memories for my kids and I am thankful for the positive memories that I can recall.

Thanks for asking!

Happy Mothers day all!

Michellle

Mothers Day and sadness it creates for me

I love being a mother, I always knew even as a child it was my destiny. I love knowing my children love and respect me and want to give me everything they can in gifts. I love knowing my friends see me as a good mother. Sadly its not something I ever feel sure of.

Thats due to growing up with a mother that called me names, manipulated my friends, alienated all family, tried to kill me and attempted suicide in front of me.

I had no role model in mothering

 I was never taught how to be empathetic, but I always tried to understand my mother.

I was never taught to be kind to others, but I always tried to make my mother happy

I was taught to swear, but hearing so much of it growing up makes me keenly aware of how much it hurts

I was never taught how to be protective of a child. but I always tried to protect my sister from the abuse around us.

I was never taught to appreciate gifts when my gifts were rejected as thoughtless and wrong, I always try to create moments and make gifts special so that you will not reject them.

In the end I was taught what NOT to do by my mother. So I find it a challenge to mother sometimes. Its not easy for me to start conversations with my teenage judgemental children as I was always attacked for my thoughts or ideas and was told I was stupid or an idiot. It is in their nature to reject my ideas and thoughts as silly or old fashioned since I am old and they are at the stage where they know everything.

I know Megan wishes I would generate more conversations with her so that will be my focus in improving my mothering skills this year. I have to get past that fear of rejection and remember that my children are teens and it is expected and not a true personal attack on me like it was with my mother.

I wish I had a mother sometimes, and mothers day always brings tears to my eyes. I have my aunt, I have my grandmother, I have my stepfather so I know I am  surrounded by love. But I do not have a picture of a mother to post on facebook with my friends, I cannot share sweet stories, or words of advice she provided. I can’t turn to her when I feel that I am not being a good enough mother for reassurance, I can’t turn to her for advice. Mental illness owns my mother and I do not have access to any part of her anymore.

So if you have a mother that guides you, that provided support and love to you, If you have a protective mother, If you have a mother you can turn to, or a mother who has passed away and has left wonderful memories I want you to appreciate that with all you have!

Happy Mothers Day all!