I loved the energy of Iylana…dancing and clapping her way from the back of the auditorium this must have taken her almost 10 minutes due to the 8500 people in the room trying to get her attention! Once she got to the stage she commanded our attention. Her voice so powerful her spirit so strong!
She called us Golden , demanded we be golden! I felt golden in her presence! She told us about how her older brother called her ugly as a child and because she looked up to him she believed him. Until she was 30 and then she decided she was going to be beautiful on her terms and this is something I can relate to so strongly.
She kept telling us that we need to tell ourselves the truth about ourselves. Only when we accept our weaknesses as being human can we really be complete. Ego prevents us from facing the truth about ourselves.
I had only heard about Ilyana Vanzant for the first time when I saw the lifeclass. I may have seen her on Oprah 10 years ago but I know my ego was running my life 10 years ago and I could not have truly heard her . She has been to hell and back like me with tragedies and losses throughout life.
I had a mother who called me bitch, slut, liar, worthless more times than I ever heard a positive. I still carry that belief somewhere inside me and that is a truth I have to tell myself.
I had a father who judges women based on appearance and he judged me for being overweight. I carry that inside me and I am overweight despite him, probably wanting him to love me and accept me regardless of my external size. That is a truth that just bubbled to surface and is bringing tears to my eyes at work.
I need to explore that truth more. That it generated emotion where my mothers words generate nothing, it is worth pursuing.
I am not in touch with my mother who has deteriorated into mental illness and has not wanted to talk to anyone in family in over 12 years. She tried to kill me at 17 years old and flew into rages regularily. I have not talked to her since 1999.
I am not in touch with my father who chose to testify against my sister in a custody case which dropped the hammer on my sister having little or no access to her own children. I need to forgive him. I had bottled up years of abuse and lack of boundaries with my father and wrote him a letter in 2006 indicating that I could no longer see him as my father, he brought nothing positive into my life and was bringing pain to my sister and I. I told him I would always love him. We have not spoken since 2006.
I have a tentative relationship with my sister. I feel for her and she lives with chronic illness and personality issues that make it difficult to manage. I always feel that my sister takes energy from me. I never feel that she deposits anything into my life. I know she would say the same about me. We are the product of 2 parents that should never have had children. We were played against each other growing up , we were rarely on the same side. She was the good girl with the good grades I was the bad girl always testing boundaries.
I treat myself terribly. I pick at my skin and have since I was a little girl. Always trying to cause more pain to myself than anyone around me could cause. It is a soothing to me and a compulsion that I have told family doctor I want to address.
I am lazy with housework it drives my daughter crazy. She wants a perfect mom who cooks, and cleans. I am a far from perfect person who finds it difficult to generate energy to go clean the kitchen after I cook a meal. It is something I have to work on for her happiness. No excuses for this I just don’t like cleaning! I don’t mind that there is a bit of a mess in my home. I am far from a hoarder, but it hurts her that I do not seem to care that it bothers her so much.
I know a ton about nutrition and I know exactly how foods negatively hurt the body and I am getting better at avoiding the things that hurt me but its not easy as the feeling of hurting myself is comforting.
I am afraid my bubble of accomplishments will always burst. I expect people to find out I am false. I expect people will all eventually reject me or I will always reject them. I need to get rid of this wall that prevents me from being the best me possible.
What truth about yourself are you willing to tell yourself publicly?
Thank you Ilyana for stirring this pot!