Marina’s Story – 14 Year old NAFLD patient

I met and started talking to Darlene who is Marina’s grandmother after she found my blogs about my daughter Megan. I have asked her to share the story of her grand daughter Marina.

It was Nov 1. 2012. Marina woke up for school and said her stomach hurt her. She generally never gets up at 5 am and for her to wake me up that early, I knew it must hurt her very badly because she is not a complainer.
She showed me where it hurt and it was like the top right side of her abdomen. She started getting ready for school and she was still in a lot of pain..so much so that I took her to the urgent care clinic instead of waiting to call her family doctor’s office. At the clinic ,they took Marina right back and drew blood, after examining her and with her being in so much pain, they reviewed the blood work wnich showed her (* white blood count was way off) they actually called an ambulance to transport her to Children’s Hospital.

When we got to the hospital…they hooked up an IV…started drawing blood and she was in so much pain she was crying. They did a CT scan and a Sonogram and took her right to the ICU. Her blood pressure sky rocketed..her blood count was way off…and she couldn’t stop crying about the pain. I was trying to act calm on the outside to keep Marina calm, but I was so worried …thinking…let this be her appendix so it will be solved quickly!

That would have been to good to be true. They call in the Gastroentologist and we were told the scan results were in and she had pancreaticitis. Marina just had to stay for a few days in the hospital …keeping a good eye on her in the ICU. No food to give her pancreas a rest with just an IV and lots of pain medication. So, I could breath again… she stopped crying cause the pain medications were working.They brought a portable toilet for her to pee in because she was hooked up to monitors.She was dealing with nausea but didn’t throw up…her blood pressure was high but they said it was due to the pain. To me, she looked so uncomfortable from the pain the whole thing,then she goes pee and what the heck her urine was brown like coffee. I almost passed out but I am still acting calm on the outside..she was groggy and I calmly asked the nurse why is her urine that color? Oh that’s ok, its just that her pancreas is inflamed and it needs to rest. Ok they are the medical experts… so for the next 24 hrs..she continued to feel nausea she was still getting the iv so she could let her pancreas rest, still urinating brown ,blood pressure high but a little lower with drugs,she did not sleep much and I didn’t sleep at all.

So 24 hrs go by and the doctors came in to make their rounds. I asked all kinds of questions…like what caused this what can be done why is her blood pressure so high…why is her urine so brown…they answered all my questions and said her pancreas got infected…they don’t know how…these things happen… no med for it just no food to rest it and the pee is brown because the pancreas and liver work together and the red blood cells are coming out in her urine because the liver is not working correctly because of the pancreas being swollen…its fine.

So two more days went by and she still was on pain medications but it was hurting less everyday…her blood pressure was returning to normal and her pee was a light brown….so they moved her to a regular room and had her start in liquids… they gave her soda POP…with sugar in it…coke, pepsi,ginger ale, they gave her pudding, ice cream, jello and these are medically trained doctors?. So I not knowing they were poisoning her liver, I was so happy Marina was holding it down. So after a day of sugar galore, her face started turning red,then purplish. Again I was calm on the outside falling apart on the inside. I Go and tell the nurse and they see her blood pressure rocket, her pain was coming back. They rush her back to the ICU. What’ going on?? I go to an empty room to call my daughter long distance to tell her help!. I was so weak inside my daughter (marinas aunt) and my son in law and my daughters best friend get on their computers they are searching reading, looking, talking, trying to save Marina.

I am sitting in marinas ICU room when a nurse…now this is extremely important to remember..THIS NURSE who was taking care of marina that shift…commented to me…who by the way NOT ONE DR. OR SPECIALIST SAID A WORD ABOUT to me…her liver enzymes are so high. So I freak out inside what? her liver enzymes are so high I am thinking no doctor or specialist said that to me!!! As far as they were concerned it was all only about her pancreas So now back home they start thinking maybe its not her pancreas maybe her liver is causing her pancreas to be sick!

Now keep that comment from my daughter’s friend in your mind along with what the nurse said about marinas enzymes
So I see my precious grand daughter is getting so sick again after she started getting better!

I go to the room where marina can’t hear the desperation in my voice and tell my daughter listen to this a nurse just said to me wow her liver enzymes are so high. I said why would she be concerned about that,all along the doctors and other nurses were saying to me…no its her pancreas, the other organs are just helping with her pancreas. So my daughter says mom let me talk to her doctor. And I took my phone and went and found Marina’s doctor and told her to please explain to my daughter about marinas health… 20 min the doctor hands me back the phone and my daughter says to me MOM..WHY ARE YOU TELLING US COMMENTS MADE BY A NURSE…GETTING EVERYONE WORRIED THAT MARINAS SO SICK..HER DOCTOR SAID HER LIVER IS FINE she just needs to rest her pancreas everything is fine!

so I am numb am half happy, half thinking no she is back in the ICU, I am in a mind set of total confusion. I’m thinking about what the nurse said and I have marinas mom stay with her and I went to a computer, typed in liver and Fructose in Google searched fructose, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, every thing I typed in about liver..dark urine pain. I start seeing all this about children…fructose ,liver, dark urine and I’m like what??. So I send all these links to to my family. My son-in-law said get Marina out of that hospital something is not right!

marina was so sick when she came here they didn’t put anything in her body meaning no sugar because they wanted her pancreas to rest and it was working her blood pressure went down her blood count was getting better her urine was lightening with every pee. Then since she was getting better they took her out of ICU and gave her all liquids and soft food high fructose pudding high sugar jello, sugar in chocolate milk The comment stood out in my mind….maybe its her liver that’s making her pancreas sick I said I am taking her home…The doctors said you can’t, no said marinas mom! I said OH YES I CAN I AM HER LEGAL GUARDIAN I took her home and put her on a strict no sugar diet and my family and I read everything about fructose sugar liver and by the next week when they did blood work…wow….was her body getting better not much pain at all pee turning yellow not brown no nausea, sleeping good Since then we have been very on top of marina walking for exercise..every day she has to walk… he set her up with drinking watered down cider vinegar every other day….and on the other days she drinks a spice with water… turmeric. Every label is now read for hidden ways of saying sugar!

Marina is an honor role student and is doing very well since we took her health into our own hands! Doctors are not taught enough about this disease and they don’t look for it and assume its other things. We blindly trust doctors with our lives and sometimes you just need to listen to common sense. If the sugar brought all symptoms back then there is something to consider getting rid of for your body!

This disease is hitting kids as young as 2.

Do not ignore it, if 1 in 3 north Americans has liver disease someone you love is dealing with it before it starts showing nasty symptoms like this.

Join our group on facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/fattyliversupport/

Follow us on Twitter @fattyliverhelp

And join our website with patients helping patients at http://www.reversefattyliverdisease.com/

Fatty Liver Disease and Sleep issues

Many members of my support group on facebook complain of insomnia. it is clearly a symptom and can also be a cause of Fatty liver disease. The sad truth is that our livers heal over night. So if we are not getting to the REM level of sleep then the liver is not healing.

Fatty Liver Disease

There are two types of fatty liver disease, nonalcoholic and alcohol-induced. Nonalcoholic fatty liver disease is a condition where there is an accumulation of fat in the liver even if you do not drink alcohol or drink only a little. This type of fatty liver disease is common, and often has no complications or symptoms. However, it can cause scarring and inflammation in your liver. Alcohol-induced fatty liver is also an accumulation of too much fat in the liver. It is the most common type of alcohol-induced liver disorder. This causes your liver to enlarge, which may lead to discomfort on the upper right side of your abdomen.

Sleep disturbances like insomnia are common among people with liver disease. However, excessive sleeping, called hypersomnia, is also common for liver disease patients. Often, people alternate between insomnia and hypersomnia, which contributes to general fatigue. The exact reason for these sleep disturbances is unclear. It is possible that liver disease causes alterations in how the body makes melatonin, which is a substance that helps you sleep. Smoking, drinking alcohol or caffeinated beverages can contribute to sleeping problems too, as can some medications. Prednisone, interferon, ribavirin and propanolol are all associated with insomnia.

Cirrhosis

Cirrhosis is a diseased liver that is severely scarred. One of the causes of cirrhosis is nonalcoholic steatohepatits, which is the more severe type of nonalcoholic fatty liver diseases. Other causes include chronic hepatitis B or C and longstanding abuse of alcohol. The liver damage from cirrhosis can can disrupt the brain’s chemical pathways, which alters sleep patterns. “The American Journal of Gastroenterology” reported in May 2008 that the antihistamine hydroxyzine restored normal sleep patterns in a study involving cirrhosis patients suffering from insomnia.

Sleep Apnea

Another sleep issue that fatty liver sufferers can have is obstructive sleep apnea. Many people with obstructive sleep apnea are obese, which puts them at risk for fatty liver. Obstructive sleep apnea is a condition where your breathing stops and starts repeatedly while sleeping. Both insomnia and hypersomnia are signs of obstructive sleep apnea. A study in “Hepatology” journal published in June 2005 found that of the 163 patients with obstructive sleep apnea in the study, there was a significantly higher percentage of fatty liver disease in the most severe cases.

Insomnia is characterized by difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. If you have insomnia, then you likely do not feel refreshed when you wake up in the morning. This is common among people with fatty liver disease. Insomnia can have many causes, from anxiety to poor sleeping habits, but fatty liver disease is also a possible cause.

Sleep is as important to your health as a healthy diet and regular exercise are. Whatever your reason for sleep loss, insomnia affects people both mentally and physically. The impact can be cumulative, with chronic insomnia likely to precede depression, anxiety, internal organ or chronic pain disorders. Additionally, lack of sleep slows your problem-solving skills and may cause someone to take unnecessary risks.

Variations on sleeplessness include problems falling asleep, maintaining sleep or experiencing non-restorative sleep. Because sleep rejuvenates the psyche and immune system, insomnia affects energy level, mood and overall health. The result of poor sleep is fatigue, which always perpetuates chronic illness. Long-term sleep deprivation increases the severity of chronic disease, including all kinds of liver disease.

When it comes to liver disease, the following are popular culprits for insomnia:

· Stress or Anxiety – Concerns about your health may keep your mind overly active, making relaxation and therefore a restful sleep difficult.

· Sleep Apnea – Affecting over 12 million Americans, obstructive sleep apnea interrupts the sleep cycle, resulting in poor quality sleep and fatigue. Additionally, French researchers have discovered that sleep apnea is a significant risk factor for fatty liver disease.

· Interferon Treatment – Interferon medication is the favored medical treatment for viral Hepatitis B and C. Although temporary, insomnia is a common side effect of interferon therapy.

· Cirrhosis – In people who have cirrhosis of the liver, histamine levels in the brain are often altered. In the brain, histamine regulates the sleep-wake cycle, so if levels of this chemical get out of balance, so do the person’s sleep patterns.

· Related Illnesses – Patients with liver disease often suffer from other related illnesses, including type-2 diabetes, obesity and hypertension – all of which can have insomnia as a symptom.

If a person’s sleep cycle is interrupted, the deepest, most restorative stages of sleep are never reached and the person will feel fatigued. By controlling the stages of sleep in your brain, some chemicals slow down brain waves, helping you fall asleep, while others stimulate brain waves, causing you to dream and wake. Alcohol disrupts these normal actions, ultimately hindering the quality of your sleep.

Conquering Insomnia : here are seven suggestions to encourage sound sleep:

1. Establish a sleep routine, retiring and rising at the same time each day.

2. Maintain an environment conducive to sleep by keeping your bedroom dark, quiet and cool.

3. Avoid caffeine, alcohol and big meals in the evening.

4. Try relaxing before bedtime with a warm bath or other soothing evening ritual.

5. Because fatigue typically causes restless sleep, break an unhealthy sleep cycle. Proven to increase energy levels by up to 40 percent without stimulants, try supplementing with to ensure adequate energy levels during the day for exercise and then restful sleep at night.

6. Do not have a visible bedroom clock. “Clock watching” often intensifies insomnia. Turn the clock face away from you or put it in a drawer.

Follow us on Twitter @Fattyliverhelp.

Join our private support group on facebook where you can discuss openly without others on your friends list seeing it

http://www.facebook.fattyliversupport.com

Visit our Website where patients help patients! .

http://www.reversefattyliverdisease.com/

2013 in one word “BROKEN”

After such a whirlwind 2012 with meeting Oprah Winfrey, hosting a successful Jamie Oliver Food Day Revolution, Starting Ignite Health No one could have prepared me for the reality that 2o13 would knock me down and keep kicking at me.

January 2nd my daughter who has already faced more than any child should have to with health issues fell down 12 stairs. She broke her 4th toe on her left foot. Sounded simple enough but here we are April 8 and that toe has not healed and we are going back to the Orthapedic surgeon on Friday. At our last appointment in March the surgeon looked at Megan’s xray in shock. Turned to us and said I have never had to operate on a toe before. Megan’s body doesn’t heal. I know this intutively but can’t seem to get any doctor to look beyond their area of expertise to the bigger issue below the surface.

Since January 2nd I have been taking care of Megan’s needs for showering, for all meals delivered upstairs before I leave for work. Also Toby my 2 year old labradoodle has had to count on me for all care. In that regard I took him to the Dog park on Good Friday. He had a blast there was water in the pond and he was soaking wet. I decided after an hour that was enough and i needed to get him out of there before he got any wetter! Toby is a very rambunctious! He is enthusiastic and still ALL PUPPY! I got him on his leash with the promise of a treat. He was fighting me as i had to drag him out of the dog park. I thought we were through the worst of that and all of a sudden out of my periphreal vision I notice an arm being raised. Toby noticed it too. I felt him tense and all of a sudden he pulled…..I went with him and landed very hard on my chest on Left side.

I now have a broken rib and a bruised kidney to add to the complications of taking care of Megan. I am learning how to do laundry, cook, sleep on my back , how to drive to my job, how not to stretch, laugh, cough, sneeze!

I ponder if God is laughing again, or if he is sending me a message that I still don’t have priorities right? I have a good sense of humour and it helps a lot.

I will be starting therapy on April 12 officially. I need help to understand why I keep beating myself up, picking at my skin, and I send up my white Flag!

I need help to understand what I am doing right and what I need to change, what survival techniques from my childhood are helping me and which ones need to be removed.

We are broken and we are trying to get up!

Depression and a New Focus

I have been depressed. Absolutely without a doubt It started a few weeks ago when we learned that Megan’s foot is not healing and continued as I realized that in order to face the rest of 2013 I will have to back out of my passions in 2012.

My intentions with Jamie Oliver Food Revolution was to spread the word about eating whole foods and making sure our kids are healthier in the future by stopping the craziness now!

I got asked to become a volunteer in April 2012 and I accepted that challenge with excitement, I focussed a ton of my energy and support into creating a wonderful event in May 2012, I got lots of media coverage and the event was an amazing success.

My intentions with Ignite Health Ontario was to take the food revolution a step further and focus on the whole body experience, we need mental balance, spiritual balance, exercise, we need to eat balanced. Any of these factors being out of balance can cause illness and we always need to remember that.

I was inspired by Ignite London and additionally the creation of Ignite Culture where a full night of topics was related to arts and culture. If that could be done why couldn’t we create a night of health related topics. I was geared up and excited. I shared the idea in an ignite london talk and I had a number of great people come to me afte that to tell me to get in touch with them about this event.

We ran this event in October 2012 and it was a great success. I am very proud of both of these events and the work I did for them.

What I stopped paying attention too was the fact it was impacting my own stress levels, my ability to focus on work and now that we have no way to predict when Megan will be able to walk again I have to raise my hands and scream UNCLE!!

I decided that I need to shelve or back out of both Ignite Health Ontario and the Jamie Oliver food revolution for at least 2013. Making that decision broke my heart I am dousing the flames of passion with my tears. So over the last 3 -4 weeks I have been sleeping a ton, I have had a number of migraines and flus hit me. My Chronic Skin picking (dermatilomania) is at a level that I am struggling to get back under some control.

I have open sores on my arms. hands, chest, face and scalp. They are sore and begging me to stop. I am having so much anxiety around what I do with my life now. How do I translate that passion to taking care of my own health needs when I have never taken care of myself. Where do I start? How do I learn at 44 how to love myself when my entire life has been focussed on helping others. How do I get passionate about work again. There are quiet times that I need to fill with projects and I need to get excited about that and just do it. How do I keep the man beside me who has come into my life as a blessing and I can barely see with the challenges of working full time and being full time caretaker to Megan and the dog too.
I have been crying a ton and finally hit my breaking point last week . I made a doctors appointment to get Megan some more Tylenol 3 for pain and at the same time I asked to have my antidepressant Effexor increased from 75 MG to 150 MG.

I do feel lighter in my thoughts, I am not crying as frequently and do not feel as emotionally lost. I am now having insomnia instead of sleeping too much, I am having cold sweats but I assume thats related to upping my dose of Effexor and it won’t last long.

I have decided that I will focus on work, my health, my daughter, my boyfriend and I will refocus some of my energy to provide direction to Fatty Liver Disease support again. There are some demons that I will need to address in some counselling sessions and its time I took that step to take care of myself again.

I am not out of the woods but I will not hide the fact that yes I am dealing with depression again. I am also taking steps to fight back against its control on me. So 2013 will look very different for me but I hope to have some positive news for you all soon.

Hugs

Michelle

Good news and Bad News

I will give you the good news first:

My incredibly smart Megan has been exempted for 2 of her 4 classes for exams for her first semester. Megan worked to complete her English Essay on Romeo and Juliette she sent that to her English teacher on Monday and today she received the news that she will not need to write that exam and she finished with 89%. Megan was also at the top of her Science class and her science teacher has also exempted her from that exam. Math and French will be handled in the 2nd semester and Megan should be ok for her grades with missing this time at school. Her Vice Principal, Guidance counsellor and teachers are all routing for her success! I have been touched and happy with every conversation with her high school. They are very supportive and are giving Megan some much needed reassurance.

Megan is also making lots of friends on Tumblr. They are all over the world and they all exchanged christmas cards this year. Last night she worked on making homemade valentine cards to send each of them and it was good to see her enjoying that arts and craft moment!

Now for the bad news:

Saturday I took Megan back to the Emergency Department because she is still at the same level of pain she was on January 2nd when she fell down the 12 stairs and broke her foot. The emergency room doctor did another x-ray and determined that Megan’s break is not healing at all. Usually a broken bone will start to develop calluses around the break 10 days after the injury and we were far beyond that point. They put her on Tramadol for pain and referred us for urgent appointment at orthapedic clinic.

The Tramadol gave Megan the best sleep she has had in years the first night. but did not relieve the pain at all. By the 2nd day it stopped helping her sleep so its pretty clear Tramadol is doing nothing for Megan.

Wednesday January 30 was our urgent appointment with the orthapedic clinic at Victoria Hospital in London Ontario. On the way to the car on crutches Megan lost her balance and fell on a muddy incline. Luckily she did not hit her head or land on her foot but it hurt the foot as she had to move it and had to get back up with pressure on the foot. I finally got her to the car and to the hospital. I have to comment that that fact that you have an appointment at 2 pm and don’t get in until 4 pm is a very poor setup for a clinic. This was the same issue when we were there on January 9th. They show no respect for the patients time and in this day and age they should be able to properly plan out closer times for actual appointments. So we finally got into to see the resident and he had a look at the xray and asked about her underlying health issues and we told him about non alcoholic fatty liver disease. He showed a lot of interest in that so i explained it. But when it came to megans foot he really only said do you smoke? NO he asked about eating and she is now eating correctly and lots of fresh foods again. He said come back in a month. Thats it , thats all for a 2 hour wait. They will do NOTHING for her broken foot or her pain.

TO be completely honest the last month was not the best eating for us. I was exhausted working 10 hour days and coming home to help megan and take care of Toby too. I bought a lot of frozen lasagna’s and sheperd’s pie and chicken pot pie etc to make dinner a quick prep. This past Sunday I made a double batch of Spaghetti with lots of veggies and whole wheat pasta, prepped for Beef Stew for Monday night and prepped for Stirfry as well. Megan is drinking a glass of milk everyday and is taking calcium and Vitamin D as supplements too. I am now looking at other supplements and lotions and whatever else I can find to help her heal this bone faster. How much of her life is she supposed to put on hold for a broken toe! So any ideas to speed up healing would be appreciated as this is craziness after 4 weeks she is still in extreme pain and not able to put any weight on that foot. This girl has been through enough in her life already!

Guest Post – Heather Von St. James – Wife and Survivor of Mesothelioma

Heather asked if I could share her story and I am more than happy to!!

Heather Von St. James
Courageous Mother, Wife and Survivor of Mesothelioma

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
-Mark Twain

I hear it often from people, how brave I am and how much courage I have. Sometimes I just have to laugh, because, going through what I’ve been through with my mesothelioma battle, I don’t feel very brave. At times, the fear was so overwhelming, all I could do was cry out to God to help me. I would love to say that through the last 7 years, I’ve learned to conquer my fears. After all, Lungleavin Day, our celebration of the anniversary of my extrapleural pneumonectomy surgery, is all about overcoming fears. But I still have my moments, more often than I would like to admit. I have the usual fears creep in, my “scanxiety” I’ve blogged about before, little pangs of fear before I fly, but the biggest fear I struggle with is the fear of something happening to my daughter. This is something that has plagued me since she was born.

I’ve always had what I jokingly call puke-aphobia and, with having a kid, you know it something you have to deal with. This year has been particularly brutal on the gastroenteritis front for my poor Lily. Three times she has been sick this year in as many months. When she got sick the third time, the fear reared its ugly head in a big bad way. So much that I took her to the doctor and insisted he do a battery of tests to rule out anything. The thing I was most afraid of? Yep, cancer. Having dealt with cancer myself, and knowing so many others, my hypochondriac mind went right to the worst-case scenario. My husband, bless his heart, is always able to bring me back around to reasonable thinking. Although he understands why I go to the worst-case scenario, he doesn’t indulge it, and his voice of sound reason helps so much to calm me. Except in this case. I could not shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. Turns out he was right. She is a perfectly healthy 7-year-old little girl. Every single test came back as normal as normal as could be and, for some reason, she has just gotten sick a lot this year.

The fear is crippling. The anxiety it causes makes my life miserable and those around me even more so. It is something that I have vowed to work on this year to not let the fear get out of control. Someone told me once that the word “FEAR” is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real”, and when you think about it? It is TRUE!! The fear is almost always worse than what I’ve imagined and blown out of proportion in my mind. I did something this time that was not easy for me to do. I asked for help from people who I trust and admire, and their guidance and prayer really helped me overcome this obstacle. They gave me some tools to use to stop the cycle and basically send that fear packing. Frankly, God is the one who gives me tremendous peace. I find that prayer and reading His word, writing scriptures that speak to me, and keeping them in a little notebook for my use is a way for me to keep grounded.

With Lungleavin Day coming up, the opportunity is here to write our fears on a plate and smash them into the fire, I’m going to once again take control of my emotions and overcome. I know I have the power to do it; sometimes it is just making the choice to do so.

I hope you too will do something on February 2nd to overcome your fears in the spirit of Lungleavin Day. If breaking a plate is over the top, I find that a paper plate works great, and burning it, or tearing it into hundreds of pieces. If you struggle with fear, no matter what it is, taking control, finding the root of it, and addressing it helps takes it away. I also find humor is a great way to conquer fear, hence “LUNGLEAVIN DAY” It was born out of the desire to make something funny out of something tragic. It is the day my lung left my body.

For this, my 7th Annual Lungleavin Day, I’m conquering fear by surrounding myself with amazing people and sharing our night with anyone who wants to join in. I hope you can join us. Go to my Facebook fan page to join the Lungleavin Day Event and we will be live webcasting on the night of February 2nd, 2013 6:00 pm to whenever the last plate is broken (Central time).

I hope you, too, find something healing about the day just like we do. Together, we will make 2013 fabulous.

Read more: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/fear.htm#ixzz2J0nHx1ru

Tears lots and lots of Tears!

Well since my last post where I told you all that I was taking some time for myself after determining that I had built a solid brick wall around my heart has been very interesting indeed.

Since November I have cried enough tears to fill a bathtub! I have salt stains on my face that will likely stick around for a while!  I cry about memories, I cry due to happiness, I cry for lost moments that should have happened.  When I am driving I find that songs will remind me of the man I am proud to call my boyfriend, best friend and the sweetest kindest man i have ever known. That will create tears of happiness and gratitude in my heart. I will share more about him another time. Suffice to say I am very happy.

I hear other songs and I will think about my kids and burst into tears. The nostalgia for christmas long ago when Alex used to cry on Christmas Eve because he couldn’t fall asleep and he was so worried and anxious that he was ruining christmas for every child in the world. I would read to him for hours and I would try so hard to calm him down. It took hours and that little boy truly was carrying the weight of the world in his heart. He is now 19 and I don’t think he had any trouble falling asleep christmas eve. But I would have been ready to cuddle him and settle him until he could fall asleep if he ever needs that again! Those tears are for days gone by and moments that I know will never be repeated but will always be in my heart.

Tears for the little abused girl that i was  have come too. I was such a strong smart friendly child and the world around me tried its hardest to squash me and destroy me. But my soul was stronger than that and I am so proud to say that no one in my life has ever had the power to destroy my inner strength and I can say with conviction. No one EVER will!

 

I cried when Toby chased snowflakes last night..just a couple tears but to see his joy and playfulness with something so basic reminds me why puppies and little children will always be my favorite things.

My Children both bought me gifts this year that absolutely mean the world to me.  Alex picked out a homemade scarf for me with all my favorite colours reflected in it! I adore it! Megan got me a really cute picture book with photo’s of dogs taken under water! Its amazing! She also got me a wonderful Sherpa Blanket that has been my best friend while I have been sick!

Underwater Dogs from Megan! Great Book!

 

 

Sherpa Blanket from Megan!

Alex’s gift to me

Hiding behind a wall – Shutting down emotionally

I have been experiencing an awakening of sorts over the last month. I have become aware that I shut myself down emotionally about 2 years ago for a number of reasons.

I have been very successful at doing presentations and showing my passion for causes I believe in, I have made many friends at the acquaintance level and I would say I am well liked in London, Ontario.

But I started realizing a few months ago that I do not cry in movies anymore and that was something both my kids would tell you they looked at me during movies for.

I have cried in the last month a fair amount, a lot of that is about my sister and my worry for her, some of that was stress related and has been dealt with. But most of it seems to be a crack in the brick wall that I put around myself a couple years ago.

I can place a couple reasons for that initial shutdown, first i lost a best friend and it hurt me deeply, making me not want to open myself up to anyone that much again.  Second, my child was sick and doctors and everyone was giving up on her, calling her a liar and I was constantly battling for her to never back down from any of the naysayers I knew my child was sick and no one would convince me otherwise.  3rd my choice in men had brought me nothing but heartbreak.

I know that shutting down emotionally happened gradually.  I remember complaining that I felt so alone , that no one was really there for me. But no one heard me. My child who was sick was suffering so much worse than I was so i swallowed those emotions down and eventually grew cold.

I know I shut down as a little girl, it was the only way to survive the drama and violence in the home around me.  If I didn’t let it bother me then I could withstand anything.

But I am not a child anymore and I am incredibly sad knowing that I left myself that way for 2 years as an adult. It did let me focus on my job and making a difference in the community. But if you ask me what I like or what my favorite things are right now , i truly have no idea.  I am a giver by nature I have always been good at reading other peoples needs and filling them.  This was again a critical skill in dealing with mentally ill parent and alcoholic parent you had to read the signals to know if you were safe to speak or if you needed to just disappear and hope they didn’t see you.

So I have to break the wall down, it will take a bit of time and it will not be easy. I will not run Ignite Health Ontario in February now that I have figured this out. It is time for me to find my own balance and open my spirit up to the world again. I need to focus on learning what makes me happy and how to balance myself now that my daughter is healthier and stronger.

I have been my own best friend and my own worst enemy in so many ways. I am my best friend in protecting who i love, and making a difference in community because I know those things make me very very happy.  Now its time to let tears flow, to appreciate myself and love myself. I am my worst enemy in disregarding my feelings and disregarding my own wants. I am my worst enemy in taking care of everyone but me.

I am sorry to those I have been cold too, I was not fully concious of this in myself and you have only seen a small sliver of who i really am. I hope you will stick around for the discovery.

Hugs

Michelle

Sometimes the world throws you a fast ball

I was happily feeling the glow and success of Ignite Health on October 24th. The event went so perfectly and I was so proud of my daughter. I was on a natural high feeling of success.

Less than 48 hours after the event I got a call that my only sister was dealing with a bad case of depression, she essentially hit the bottom and I went to see her the next day. It was very hard to see my little sister completely broken. She is fighting back and getting good help. I know she will be so much better moving forward and I am very proud of her.

My work environment also seemed to become toxic around the same time, bullying and power struggles seemed to be impacting me and the team I work with. It became difficult to face being at the office for a few weeks.

My daughter had a terrible weekend and stopped seeing a reason to keep fighting, she has taken on so much and she is a perfectionist who has to learn her limits and not expect so much of herself. Its ok to feel weak and lost sometimes.

All of these things seem to happen directly after a perfect high in my life of efforts I make to make a difference in my community. These challenges reset me and bring me crashing back down to earth to focus on what is important in my family. I have found myself in tears more in the last 3 weeks than I had for a year. Life is never perfect, we all deal with challenges all the time and things that are not in our control. The goal is to keep moving forward and not staying in the negative mindset. This is not easy when things keep going wrong but I know that the reason I have been able to deal with so much tragedy and pain is by looking for a bright side.. moving toward a bright side. trusting in a bright side.

I always recognize when I hit an emotional bottom for me, I then focus all my energy on bringing positive into my life to offset the negative. I have started pulling together ideas for the Jamie Oliver Food Revolution weekend and I am so excited about the ideas I have!

1. thanks to my friend Christian D’Andrea we will have a day that is focussed on Veggies. A veggie fest where we will cook some basic recipes with lesser known veggies. Blind taste tests for veggies that you have never tried!! 

2. A community Garden to be created. A friend of mine Helder is working on finding a plot where we can plant seeds and then as attendees we will take turns managing the garden and we can all share in the results!

3. Back to Basics cooking lessons – lets think back to what the pioneers did for cooking we have lost basic cooking skills and haven’t provided to our children lets do this with parents and kids!

4. Growing Chefs childrens events- will certainly be back in touch with my friend Andrew Fleet to host and create awesome kids events!

I Am also looking forward to creating Ignite Health Ontario II in February 2013. Looking for a facility and to pick a date before the end of this month.

These things remind me of the good I can do and the impact I can have on a greater cause.

I am staying in touch regularily with my sister and Megan is back to looking forward. I am also looking forward to my son getting back to ontario for a visit from Halifax in December!

Christmas is coming and I am ready to restart my life again!

Don’t stay stuck! Find a reason to move forward, pick yourself up and just do it!

 

Love

 

Michelle

What if the bully is your mother?

I am reflecting on my 15th year of life after watching #RIPAmandaTodd’s video. I was not bullied in the traditional ways at school I worked very hard to keep a smile on my face and pretend that life was perfect. I kept my distance just enough and avoided controversy by trying to be LIKED by everyone.  This was crucial to my survival at school because I was being bullied by my mother at home.

When I think back on my 15th year today I am actually trembling. This didn’t strike me as one of the worst years of my life but clearly my heart and soul remember it vividly to create anxiety in me at 44 years of age. I look around and my mother is not in my life, she can no longer manipulate my friends by pretending to be the best mother and telling them what a liar , slut and bitch I was.

A bit about that year as I think back this morning. My mother was miserable and had borderline personality disorder or some other nasty mental illness that made her jealous of her 15 year old daughter and planning to destroy her. My mother would take my purse or backpack and dump it out looking for drugs or condoms when  I got home from school. I was not sexually active yet, I was not doing drugs…but because I smoked cigarettes that meant I was evil and doing other things too. I drank alcohol with my friends at school I skipped school to have happy moments in my life. I was attracted to the bad boys and the rocker girls because I was being told I was one of them at home.

Other nights my stepdad would be away on business and my mother would force me to sleep beside her in bed telling me that she would likely die overnight and she wanted me to check to make sure she kept breathing. So I would never sleep on those nights, if i drifted off i would wake with a start and make sure she was breathing.

My mother would call my friends and be their support system, manipulating them, making them question why I was so miserable. If I shared anything about the things happening in my house my friends would roll their eyes because my mother was acting so perfect to them.

One night i was asleep in my bed around 2am. My mother woke me up and demanded i get out of bed because someone was on the phone for me. I got up blurry eyed and picked up the phone… I said hello wondering who would be calling for me at 2am…On the other end of the phone all i heard was you are such a BITCH. Then they hung up.  I burst into tears and my mother sent me back to bed.  I cried the rest of the night and got up for school in the morning. I remember so clearly looking at all my friends and wondering which one of them was on the other end of the phone. I had recognized the voice but didn’t get enough of it to be sure who it was. All my friends denied it, Clearly I was insane.  I stopped trusting my friends that day. I felt incredibly alone and my mother had worked very hard to make sure I was.

I was then in a place where I knew that my friends didn’t truly care about me and my mother hated me. I had no one, nothing. This was one of the very first times i considered suicide. I had a mother who was plotting to destroy me. How does that happen? Was I crazy, maybe I was the reason she was so miserable? Maybe I wasn’t worth talking to or being around? 

My 15th year peaked with another night where my mother was threatening to kill herself. This time she locked herself in her bathroom with a suitcase of drugs. I was screaming and pounding on the door begging her not to kill herself and asking her to open the door. She yelled back FINE you want to watch me kill myself you bitch….go ahead come in. My mother was sitting on the floor , she had poured all her pills on the floor and looked up at me and said which one do you want me to take next?  I begged her to stop. she told me that this was my fault anyway, I was the reason her life was ruined, I was the reason she was killing herself. I was frantic I yelled for my stepdad and he called 911.

4 police cars pulled up to my house that night. It actually took 4 police officers to pull my mother out of the bathroom. She fought them tooth and nail. She was taken to the hospital and I was taken to a temporary foster home. I was a mess , and I was put into a co-ed home. This was a mistake for a completely destroyed 15 year old. Boys gave me attention and I lost my virginity that summer because I had no self esteem. I didn’t even like the boy that took my virginity I just thought i might as well do this since my mother said i was a slut anyway.

I was put on birth control that summer which was the right thing to do by the foster family. I actually loved the freedom I had at this home. I started to calm down and they had a big pond that I could sit by and be soothed by the water.  I was having supervised visits with my mother as she was being treated at the hospital and had been there 6 weeks. After she got home I received a call from my mother…and all she said on the other end of the phone was Why did you steal my frozen spinach pastry puffs? I was mystified, I told her I did not steal them and I hung up. Then I started laughing and I knew that my mother was actually crazy. This was the clear line for me.  Why would anyone steal a frozen pastry puff? I was not even living at home to steal it.

In actuality , she was obsessed with me, she needed to control me, she needed to make sure I didn’t love anyone more than her. I was sent home to return to school in August of that year, I decided that when I went home I would no longer respond to her attacks. I would treat her like she was normal and refuse to feed the craziness in her.  At 15 I completely understood mental illness.

She went back to school that september and started volunteering for the college newspaper. She moved into a happy period of her life and thats why my 16th year was actually pretty good.

Amy Todd was bullied to the end of her rope. She didn’t know anyone was there for her, she didn;t have tools to find inner strength and peace to guide her back from the brink. I was lucky that there has always been something in me that was a fighter, I refused to be totally destroyed by anyone. I refused to make my mother happy by killing myself!

At 17 she actually chased me with a knife and wanted to kill me, but thats another story and its in another blog titled the night my mother tried to kill me.

No child should ever feel this alone in the world, Someone should have stood up and helped Amanda stand up to her bully. Whoever that boy or man who constantly manipulated her and stalked her from town to town should be charged with murder. Where was her family? Were they supportive, did Amanda listen to them? She was 15 only 15…..

My message to teens is YOU have NO idea what is going on at home for a child you are bullying. For all you know they have a mother like mine. Are you really willing to be the person that pushes someone to the edge of considering suicide. Be kind, be supportive, don’t rush to judgement. Everyone has a story and everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life they can turn too.

I survived my mother’s bullying and I wish strength to any child who is dealing with a bully in their home or in their life outside of home. You are not alone. Many of us have been there and know your pain.

Hugs

 

Michelle